Excerpt

Ironic. This whole thing was just ironic. I guess like is just so fucking ironic. Not ironic that makes you laugh. Not at all. It was ironic that practically the same awful thing had to happen again, only in reverse. The first time happened so long ago, but some events you remember every detail no matter how much time has past. Marcus was exactly the way that Sarah had been, both haunting. Neither had been a total wreck, but you'd be lying your ass off the say either had been okay. It was ironic of course, because I couldn't empathize with either of them, either time. But now they could empathize with each other I guess. I could now empathize with myself. Same as last time, the deep feeling of guilt. Yes, I'd always wanted Marcus, that couldn't possibly be a secret. But I hated thinking that I stood to benefit from Sarah being out of the way. I would've never wanted it to come to this--I love them both so much. The guilt had been worst last time, though, because I knew it was my fault and that what I had done had nearly gotten Marcus killed. 2 times now, I've had to look into the eyes of someone who was going through the single worst moment of their life. But Marcus was by far worse, sorrow mixed with desire was a terrible combination that made me feel terrible--and wish that I could do more.
I kept thinking about that letter. Something didn't seem right--all 3 of us would be happy? She was fucking dead! It should make me feel terrible, but everytime I started feeling badly that bad feeling was conquered by even more guilt of what she'd wanted. How could a dead best friends last request make me feel selfish?
They say some people are the same alive as they are dead, that makes sense because Sarah's still a conundrum.
I wanted to say something, but I couldn't think of a damn thing that wouldn't be upsetting. And I knew I couldn't ask Marcus if he was okay, he hated it when people asked that.
"Marcus?" I finally said timidly.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think she meant it?" was all I could manage to say.
He sat up and was quiet for awhile.
"y-yeah." he said shakily in the end. "I think so."
I didn't know whether to be happy or what. And I certainly didn't know what to say.

That's all for now!
♥ATUgirl♥