Briana was super quiet when I drove her to the airport. It didn't bother me, but I felt like she wanted to say something. I walked her all the way to the gate before she said anything.
"Bye, sweetie." I said right as I was about to leave her.
"Dad, wait." She said abruptly.
"What's wrong?"
"It might not be my place. But if any part of you wants to be with Mitchell, then I think you should be."
I gave her another hug "Thanks, honey."
My nerves were practically jumping out of my skin as I drove home. It wasn't just that I was nervous, I didn't know what to do yet. The house felt so big when I walked in. Sarah always had an ability to make it feel smaller with all of her cluttering and moving. I looked around, worried that Mitch had already taken off and I had missed my chance. Thankfully he walked out and smiled awkwardly at me.
"I hope you don't mind. I felt like cleaning a little..."
I didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say yet.
"...I think I might leave now."
Without thinking I stepped forward and threw my arms around him. After more than a minute he finally spoke "Does this mean you want me to stay?"
I thought about it for a really long time. "Yes. Please." I said while still clutching him.
He nodded "Alright then"
I was filled with happiness that he still wanted to be with me, I was. But how was I going to get completely over Sarah?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Excerpt
All I had done since Mitch broke up with me was mope. I had been broken up with before but I'd really never been so caught off guard. It had always been easier to get over before. The doorbell rang and I ran for the door partly hoping that it was Mitch who had changed his mind. Mitch wasn't on the other side of the door, but Sarah was.
"I came to see if you were okay." She said as I let her in.
"I guess you heard?"
She nodded "Yeah. Mitch told me."
I felt so embarrassed. "What's in the bags?"
"Well, I wanted to cheer you up, but I wasn't sure which you'd be more in the mood for. " she laughed, "so I have milk and cookies," in one of the bags were a container of cookies and a bottle of milk "and the grown up kind" in the other bag was a bottle of tequila.
I couldn't help but laugh at her cheery mood.
"Thanks, Sar. You can stay if you want."
She smiled so brightly and beautifully "Of course I want to stay with you! <3 "
"I came to see if you were okay." She said as I let her in.
"I guess you heard?"
She nodded "Yeah. Mitch told me."
I felt so embarrassed. "What's in the bags?"
"Well, I wanted to cheer you up, but I wasn't sure which you'd be more in the mood for. " she laughed, "so I have milk and cookies," in one of the bags were a container of cookies and a bottle of milk "and the grown up kind" in the other bag was a bottle of tequila.
I couldn't help but laugh at her cheery mood.
"Thanks, Sar. You can stay if you want."
She smiled so brightly and beautifully "Of course I want to stay with you! <3 "
Monday, March 29, 2010
Excerpt
Jackie woke me up with her barking. It was almost noon but I had been up all night watching Sarah on T.V. The rumors about her freaked me out, but they had to be just rumors. I tried to sleep through the barking, but she just kept going. After 10 minutes of no luck, I got up to see what was wrong. Jackie was standing on the couch and barking at the window.
“What’s wrong, girl? Do you see a dog?”
She only looked at and then continued to bark at the window. When I looked out I saw Sarah standing in the pouring rain.
I left the apartment and ran downstairs and to the door. “Sarah, are you okay?”
“Everything’s all messed up.” She sobbed.
“Is it true, then?” I asked.
She nodded “What am I supposed to do?”
“Come inside. Where it’s dry.”
“No. this suits me.”
I sighed, thankfully I had my sweatshirt. I stepped out into the rain and stood in front of Sarah.
“It’s okay. It’s going to be fine.”
“Are you kidding? I’m totally screwed.”
I touched her gently “No. No. Please believe me. You have me.”
She shook her head “I don’t want you to pity me or feel responsible.”
“Then why are you here?”
I caught her as she burst into tears, “Because you make things better?”
“That’s what I’ll always do.”
“Huh?”
I would have gotten down, but I was in my favorite jeans and it was all wet and muddy. I pulled the box out of my sweatshirt.
“Oh no”
“What’s wrong?”
My dad said that this was like a questioning a witness in court. You’re not supposed to ask a question that you don’t know the answer to. But I really thought I knew.
“You shouldn’t” she said
“It’s not just about that.” I promised. “After everything that’s happened in the past few weeks and months I’ve learned that you mean everything to me. I like having you around so much that there is something missing without you.”
The miserable look was failing from her face and I could see her not-so-humble smile appearing. “Really?”
“Yeah. I knew you were awesome awhile ago. But you’re so awesome that there’s this whole without you.”
She smiled evilly “Am I like a drug to you?”
“You wish.”
“I think I am.” She raised her eyebrow.
“Is this your way of saying yes?”
She smiled “I think so.”
I pulled on her hand “Come inside.”
When we were inside I wasn’t sure what else to say. “Do you want anything?”
“Your couch” She laughed. “Come on Jackie! Sit with me.”
Jackie joined Sarah on the couch. I sat down on couch near her. She seemed pretty happy, and that made me really happy.
From: Marcus
Can you come now?
12:15 PM
From: Mitchell
What’s wrong? Are you okay?
12:17 PM
From: Marcus
It’s Sarah
12:18 PM
From: Mitchell
I’m on my way. Is it true?
12:19 PM
From: Marcus
Yes.
12:19 PM
From: Mitchell
Is she okay?
12:21 PM
From: Marcus
Yeah, I think so.
12:22 PM
From: Mitchell
Did you ask her?
12:25 PM
From: Marcus
Yes.
12:26 PM
From: Mitchell
And she said?
12:27 PM
From: Marcus
Yes.
12:28 PM
From: Mitchell
Yay! I’m almost there.
12:29 PM
“What’s wrong, girl? Do you see a dog?”
She only looked at and then continued to bark at the window. When I looked out I saw Sarah standing in the pouring rain.
I left the apartment and ran downstairs and to the door. “Sarah, are you okay?”
“Everything’s all messed up.” She sobbed.
“Is it true, then?” I asked.
She nodded “What am I supposed to do?”
“Come inside. Where it’s dry.”
“No. this suits me.”
I sighed, thankfully I had my sweatshirt. I stepped out into the rain and stood in front of Sarah.
“It’s okay. It’s going to be fine.”
“Are you kidding? I’m totally screwed.”
I touched her gently “No. No. Please believe me. You have me.”
She shook her head “I don’t want you to pity me or feel responsible.”
“Then why are you here?”
I caught her as she burst into tears, “Because you make things better?”
“That’s what I’ll always do.”
“Huh?”
I would have gotten down, but I was in my favorite jeans and it was all wet and muddy. I pulled the box out of my sweatshirt.
“Oh no”
“What’s wrong?”
My dad said that this was like a questioning a witness in court. You’re not supposed to ask a question that you don’t know the answer to. But I really thought I knew.
“You shouldn’t” she said
“It’s not just about that.” I promised. “After everything that’s happened in the past few weeks and months I’ve learned that you mean everything to me. I like having you around so much that there is something missing without you.”
The miserable look was failing from her face and I could see her not-so-humble smile appearing. “Really?”
“Yeah. I knew you were awesome awhile ago. But you’re so awesome that there’s this whole without you.”
She smiled evilly “Am I like a drug to you?”
“You wish.”
“I think I am.” She raised her eyebrow.
“Is this your way of saying yes?”
She smiled “I think so.”
I pulled on her hand “Come inside.”
When we were inside I wasn’t sure what else to say. “Do you want anything?”
“Your couch” She laughed. “Come on Jackie! Sit with me.”
Jackie joined Sarah on the couch. I sat down on couch near her. She seemed pretty happy, and that made me really happy.
From: Marcus
Can you come now?
12:15 PM
From: Mitchell
What’s wrong? Are you okay?
12:17 PM
From: Marcus
It’s Sarah
12:18 PM
From: Mitchell
I’m on my way. Is it true?
12:19 PM
From: Marcus
Yes.
12:19 PM
From: Mitchell
Is she okay?
12:21 PM
From: Marcus
Yeah, I think so.
12:22 PM
From: Mitchell
Did you ask her?
12:25 PM
From: Marcus
Yes.
12:26 PM
From: Mitchell
And she said?
12:27 PM
From: Marcus
Yes.
12:28 PM
From: Mitchell
Yay! I’m almost there.
12:29 PM
Excerpt
It was nice to help Marcus, because he really needed it. But I shouldn’t have left Marcus alone, but I didn’t know what else to do (I can be impulsive, I just need to think about it first!) I thought maybe I could talk to Sarah; she could put me to work and get Marcy off of my mind. As soon as I was on the elevator I started feeling even worse about ditching him. When Sarah saw me she looked confused.
“Why didn’t you stay?”
I faltered “I thought…I thought…I don’t know, it would be weird.”
Sarah looked upset “No. He needs a friend and you are his friend.”
I did want to help, but “Sarah, I don’t know if I can”
“Please!” She shouted loudly, getting a few strange looks “You have TO!” and she was practically shaking.
I grimaced, but I knew she was right. The most important thing I could do was be with my best friend, BEST FRIEND, I reminded myself. Not my ex, not my lover. I got back on the elevator and went back up to where I was.
I opened the door slowly and saw Marcus was sitting completely still. He looked so miserable, and I was next to him in a second.
“Is everything okay?” I asked gently.
“I really fucked up” he cried.
The first time I touched his shoulder, he pulled away from me, but the second time I tried he let me comfort him.
“No you didn’t” I assured him
He shook his head “How did I not?”
“Because you are going to be fine. Everything’s going to go back to normal”
“Thanks.” He responded hushedly “Are you leaving again?” he asked.
“Nope. I’m with you.”
“Where’s Sarah?”
“She’s working…”
His expression immediately turned to sad.
“You know how she feels about you. How she feels about this. Stop being stupid.”
“Why didn’t you stay?”
I faltered “I thought…I thought…I don’t know, it would be weird.”
Sarah looked upset “No. He needs a friend and you are his friend.”
I did want to help, but “Sarah, I don’t know if I can”
“Please!” She shouted loudly, getting a few strange looks “You have TO!” and she was practically shaking.
I grimaced, but I knew she was right. The most important thing I could do was be with my best friend, BEST FRIEND, I reminded myself. Not my ex, not my lover. I got back on the elevator and went back up to where I was.
I opened the door slowly and saw Marcus was sitting completely still. He looked so miserable, and I was next to him in a second.
“Is everything okay?” I asked gently.
“I really fucked up” he cried.
The first time I touched his shoulder, he pulled away from me, but the second time I tried he let me comfort him.
“No you didn’t” I assured him
He shook his head “How did I not?”
“Because you are going to be fine. Everything’s going to go back to normal”
“Thanks.” He responded hushedly “Are you leaving again?” he asked.
“Nope. I’m with you.”
“Where’s Sarah?”
“She’s working…”
His expression immediately turned to sad.
“You know how she feels about you. How she feels about this. Stop being stupid.”
Excerpt that will not be for much longer
Mitch held me against his chest as he carried me up the stairs. His arms felt so good and that made me feel terrible and so guilty. Once we got into the suite, he set me down on the bed. A second later he had left, and I felt sort of lonely. Part of me had hoped that he would stay with me. I cursed myself for feeling that way. That’s what got me in this mess in the first place. And this was what it had come to, I was on my own. I had managed to lose both of my best friends at the same time. Now I was all alone. I looked out the window, the whole city was all lit up and there were so many people. People who hadn’t ruined their lives, people who had people to be with them
Excerpt
When Sarah and I met only occasionally, I first saw that there were more sides than I would have thought. I had expected that living with her I would get to know her. Rather than just know there were many sides, I could actually know the sides. I remember when Mitch and I first picked her up at the airport and instantly noticed how timid she was. It was quite unexpected, she seemed practically unwilling to speak unless it was of the utmost importance. I felt awful that the house was so cold for months, and she never complained. She didn’t even ask for an extra blanket or a heater or anything. When I eventually gave her a blanket, she had it practically every moment, and I just kept feeling worse. She was southern, she was probably used to the warmth. Being here must have been just awful for her, probably didn’t help that her housemate was acting like a jerk. I was certain that she was miserable, every time I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the kitchen, she’d be awake. But she never said anything, not about moving home or not being happy. It wasn’t like I wanted her to act like a spoiled brat
Excerpt
“We haven’t talked in awhile” in fact I was slightly surprised that she was calling at all, “What’s up?” I asked.
“I don’t know how to say this but you have a new coworker.”
“That’s great Sarah, are you moving here?”
She laughed “no, I’ll be onstage via webcam”
“I take that as a yes?”
“Well yes. But I’m not really sure what I should do until I find somewhere to live.”
“You can stay on my couch if you need it.”
“Ha, that’ll work. I won’t be in the way, will I?”
“No, not at all.”
When I hung up, I realized that I had forgotten that as Mitch was living with me I should ask him as well. But there was no reason for him to say no, she’s a friend in need. I decided it would be a good idea to ask him later.
“Do you remember Sarah?” I asked somewhat hesitantly.
“Of course.”
“Well, she’s moving here, but she needs a place to stay for awhile. I told her she could stay here, but…is that okay?”
He nodded “Oh no problem. But she is, you know, alright with us?”
I wasn’t actually sure, but I said yes anyway.
“Then I can’t wait to see her again”
“I don’t know how to say this but you have a new coworker.”
“That’s great Sarah, are you moving here?”
She laughed “no, I’ll be onstage via webcam”
“I take that as a yes?”
“Well yes. But I’m not really sure what I should do until I find somewhere to live.”
“You can stay on my couch if you need it.”
“Ha, that’ll work. I won’t be in the way, will I?”
“No, not at all.”
When I hung up, I realized that I had forgotten that as Mitch was living with me I should ask him as well. But there was no reason for him to say no, she’s a friend in need. I decided it would be a good idea to ask him later.
“Do you remember Sarah?” I asked somewhat hesitantly.
“Of course.”
“Well, she’s moving here, but she needs a place to stay for awhile. I told her she could stay here, but…is that okay?”
He nodded “Oh no problem. But she is, you know, alright with us?”
I wasn’t actually sure, but I said yes anyway.
“Then I can’t wait to see her again”
Excerpt
“I can help you rehearse.” I heard above me, I took my eyes away from my imaginary lover and looked up. Mitch was standing above me.
“Need a cute German boy to seduce?” he smiled craftily. I nodded nervously and he laughed and sat down in front of me.
I was more nervous now than I had ever been even onstage. I started from the beginning and proceeded to ramble through the lines, missing words here and there along with nearly sounding robotic.
“Are you okay?” he asked me.
“I’m sorry. Usually I don’t screwing up so much”
He put his hand on me, “You’re supposed to be trying to get into my pants. Is that really so hard to think about?”
I turned red almost immediately. I was just afraid of the bad impression I was making on him, I wanted to seem perfect but not like a jackass. But he was right, if I tried to think about him more it helped. When we were done with the lines I started to get up, but Mitch stopped me
“Aren’t you supposed to kiss me?” he asked, smiling slightly.
I couldn’t help but smile a little as well at that, I leaned in and kissed him, he leaned in as well and kissed me back. I didn’t want to stop kissing him, but after awhile I pulled away.
As Mitch was helping me off the ground he said “I didn’t just come here to freak you out and interrupt your practice.”
I smiled hopefully “Really?”
“Do you want to go out sometime? A movie or something?”
I only hesitated as to not sound desperate “Yeah. That would be great”
“Need a cute German boy to seduce?” he smiled craftily. I nodded nervously and he laughed and sat down in front of me.
I was more nervous now than I had ever been even onstage. I started from the beginning and proceeded to ramble through the lines, missing words here and there along with nearly sounding robotic.
“Are you okay?” he asked me.
“I’m sorry. Usually I don’t screwing up so much”
He put his hand on me, “You’re supposed to be trying to get into my pants. Is that really so hard to think about?”
I turned red almost immediately. I was just afraid of the bad impression I was making on him, I wanted to seem perfect but not like a jackass. But he was right, if I tried to think about him more it helped. When we were done with the lines I started to get up, but Mitch stopped me
“Aren’t you supposed to kiss me?” he asked, smiling slightly.
I couldn’t help but smile a little as well at that, I leaned in and kissed him, he leaned in as well and kissed me back. I didn’t want to stop kissing him, but after awhile I pulled away.
As Mitch was helping me off the ground he said “I didn’t just come here to freak you out and interrupt your practice.”
I smiled hopefully “Really?”
“Do you want to go out sometime? A movie or something?”
I only hesitated as to not sound desperate “Yeah. That would be great”
Excerpt (sorry Jesse Swenson! Thanks for letting me interview you!)
I had trouble believing what Sarah told me, but I knew that it was probably true. The apartment seemed empty when I came in, but I knew Marcus was probably home. I didn't see him anywhere until I noticed that the bathroom door was open. When I looked inside I saw Marcus sitting on the floor. He had this look that I'd never seen before, but I knew what was going on.
"What has gotten into you?" I asked, totally bewildered.
Marcus looked ashamed "I'm sorry."
I crouched next to him "No...tell me you won't do this."
He nodded. "I wasn't...are we okay?"
I smiled and stroked his hair "of course."
His smile back was so endearing, he seemed almost fine.
We walked out "Will you tell me what happened?" I asked
Marcus looked down sadly "Well, you know about the Hair audition"
I nodded.
"Well, I saw Jesse. And he got all in my head. Talking about how a big part of getting cast is getting, well, naked. Made a not-so-subtle comment that I gained weight"
I sighed sympathetically. "Why did you letit get to you? You knew what he was doing."
He shook his head "I didn't exactly believe him, but I thought it couldn't hurt to fast until the audition was done with"
"What about you? Didn't it hurt you?"
"Yes." he shrugged "it did."
"Well that's been over, what was that in there?" I nodded toward the bathroom.
He shrugged again "When it was over I couldn't stop. When Sarah took me to lunch, I felt better at first. But when I was alone..."
"You're not alone anymore."
"Thanks" he smiled
A second later the phone rang, I could tell by Marcus' expression when he picked up that it was the Hair casting director.
I listened as he talked "Yes, yes...okay...yes, thank you"
"So...?" I asked nervously after he hung up.
He shook his head "I didn't get it."
I wrapped my arms around him "I'm so sorry"
I felt him cry against me "Now I feel really stupid for what I did."
"It's okay. You know that it's just minutes until you're in a different show."
"What has gotten into you?" I asked, totally bewildered.
Marcus looked ashamed "I'm sorry."
I crouched next to him "No...tell me you won't do this."
He nodded. "I wasn't...are we okay?"
I smiled and stroked his hair "of course."
His smile back was so endearing, he seemed almost fine.
We walked out "Will you tell me what happened?" I asked
Marcus looked down sadly "Well, you know about the Hair audition"
I nodded.
"Well, I saw Jesse. And he got all in my head. Talking about how a big part of getting cast is getting, well, naked. Made a not-so-subtle comment that I gained weight"
I sighed sympathetically. "Why did you letit get to you? You knew what he was doing."
He shook his head "I didn't exactly believe him, but I thought it couldn't hurt to fast until the audition was done with"
"What about you? Didn't it hurt you?"
"Yes." he shrugged "it did."
"Well that's been over, what was that in there?" I nodded toward the bathroom.
He shrugged again "When it was over I couldn't stop. When Sarah took me to lunch, I felt better at first. But when I was alone..."
"You're not alone anymore."
"Thanks" he smiled
A second later the phone rang, I could tell by Marcus' expression when he picked up that it was the Hair casting director.
I listened as he talked "Yes, yes...okay...yes, thank you"
"So...?" I asked nervously after he hung up.
He shook his head "I didn't get it."
I wrapped my arms around him "I'm so sorry"
I felt him cry against me "Now I feel really stupid for what I did."
"It's okay. You know that it's just minutes until you're in a different show."
Excerpt
Today was my 3rd time this week wearing this outfit. Marcus clearly noticed.
"Let me take you shopping" he suggested.
No. "Hell no."
"Sweetie, you need clothes."
I shook my head.
"Sar, let Marcus take you. He's really good at shopping" Mitch encouraged.
"Fine. But I hate shopping"
Mere hours later, Marcus and I were on 5th Avenue.
"I can't do this." I protested "This isn't right for me. Especially not places like these"
He smiled and held my arm tighter "This is perfect for you. You need something as sophisticated and awesome as you"
He pulled me into Sacks and my stomache sank.
The first thing he picked up was this absolutely gorgeous mini-dress. A piece of me wanted it. Like really wanted it. But it wasn't the type of thing I could pull off and my god it was expensive. My eyes widened in shock at that label.
"I can't pay for that!"
He laughed at me "First, you can pay for it. Second, I'll pay."
"I can't..." I tried to protest
"Just try it on. I'll get you some other stuff."
In the dressing room I practically had a panic attack.
"Sarahhhh. Let me see you"
I crept out.
"You look gorgeous."
I shrugged. It didn't feel like me.
"Something's wrong with you." Marcus shook his head and grabbed my wrist. He pulled me in front of the mirror. "Seeee? You look beyond pretty."
I shrugged. "I guess. It's kind of cute. We'll see."
"Well, we're getting it. And I'm going to get you some other things that we'll look this gorgeous on you."
"Let me take you shopping" he suggested.
No. "Hell no."
"Sweetie, you need clothes."
I shook my head.
"Sar, let Marcus take you. He's really good at shopping" Mitch encouraged.
"Fine. But I hate shopping"
Mere hours later, Marcus and I were on 5th Avenue.
"I can't do this." I protested "This isn't right for me. Especially not places like these"
He smiled and held my arm tighter "This is perfect for you. You need something as sophisticated and awesome as you"
He pulled me into Sacks and my stomache sank.
The first thing he picked up was this absolutely gorgeous mini-dress. A piece of me wanted it. Like really wanted it. But it wasn't the type of thing I could pull off and my god it was expensive. My eyes widened in shock at that label.
"I can't pay for that!"
He laughed at me "First, you can pay for it. Second, I'll pay."
"I can't..." I tried to protest
"Just try it on. I'll get you some other stuff."
In the dressing room I practically had a panic attack.
"Sarahhhh. Let me see you"
I crept out.
"You look gorgeous."
I shrugged. It didn't feel like me.
"Something's wrong with you." Marcus shook his head and grabbed my wrist. He pulled me in front of the mirror. "Seeee? You look beyond pretty."
I shrugged. "I guess. It's kind of cute. We'll see."
"Well, we're getting it. And I'm going to get you some other things that we'll look this gorgeous on you."